My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
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